What's up, kiddo? Your life's getting hard at you? You grind away at your classes, you study those textbooks, you stay up all night just to turn in that stupid essay to your Professorus Diabilis - and what do you get in the end? His smirking puss and spiteful sneers at your endeavors and hypocritical smiles of specky nerdish chicks sitting at the first desk? Come on, life's shiny and beautiful and it's still not the reason to broach your veins! Maybe there's just something wrong with your attitude and maybe your elaborative methodological approach just lacks...methodology? Here's what we may offer you!
We don't promise your life to change drastically after you read through this guide, but at least you'll stop thinking a loser of yourself. So stick your hatred to the world up-you-know-where, sit back and check this simple guide to Universal Wisdom. And Let the Power Be With You, O My Essay-Writing Apprentice!
Cosmic Symphony of Vehement Copulation With Knowledge. Overture.
Before doing something, it's important to prepare, right? Preparation covers multiple aspects and may be pretty time-consuming. What I'd advise you here has been genuinely re-verified and re-confirmed by daily practice:
1. First and foremost, pay utmost attention to your overall mental and physical condition. If you're feeling tired or sick, you won't achieve much. Go to gym, pull some weighs, do some cycling etc. - all in all, get your blood flow to the place you generally think with. Walk your dog, meet your date (if you have one, ya lame!), read a book, listen to soothing music... Well, you know what the word "relax" means, right? You hedonist! Don't overstrain yourself with relaxation though, and mind the time.
2. Eat well before starting. Never mind at those Roman nonsense satur venter non studet libenter! Nothing's better for extensive study than a full belly!
3. Forget about parties and booze. Well, at least for the time being.
4. Prepare the ambiance. Some like when it's quiet and calm around, others prefer studying with Death Metal pouring from their speakers at max volume. You know what's best for you, don't ya?
5. Increase you motivation and set your goals wisely. Decide on your productivity and deadlines. Keep saying: if I write this essay today, I'll go buy myself a muffin (no alcohol, remember?). As Mr. Tarantino, the splendid scriptwriter, said, the point is in making little presents to yourself every day.
6. Stop dragging your feet with preparations and proceed to the next point. However, you may not bother yourself any further and just order your paper at ProfEssays.com for the special, extra-low price and bla-bla-bla, but that's against the whole idea of writing independently, right?
Cosmic Symphony of Vehement Copulation With Knowledge. Allegro Ma Non Troppo.
So you feel relaxed and rejuvenated enough and you are eager to get down to business. Wait, there still may be a few details you've missed. They'll surely appear in the process of writing. And their name is Procrastination. It's the Ugly Beast of Many Faces, but with right concentration you will easily slain it:
1. Drink coffee (and preferably freshly brewed) while you write. Coffee's often used for prolongation (by consumption inside) and shortening (by spilling it on the keyboard) of the working hours. So screw those talks of it being detrimental! We're all gonna die sooner or later, so who cares? Like any drug, caffeine stimulates the blood flow, thinking and memory functions, with the only difference of it being much weaker and perfectly legalized. Certainly, you are not compelled to do it, but it's just better with it than without. Remember how brilliant Mr. Thompson said: "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me!"
2. Remember not to forget in the process. Train your memory with basic mnemonic rules, like acronyms and rhymes.
3. Get rid of everything that may bother you. Just remove it. Physically.
4. Yes, it deals with social networking as well. Stop drooling on that bird's photos on Facebook! Forget your witty-twitter or that shit-for-brains trolling you in your LJ! Remember, no one gives a damn to your revelations in social net, so it's better you pour your critical thoughts into your essay.
5. Focus on one thing at a time. If you think over your essay introduction, don't ponder over conclusion and so on. The ends will meet by themselves eventually, you'll see.
6. Decide on what's really expected of you. Knowing it you're more likely to cope with your essay much faster.
7. Take breaks not to get bored. At least sometimes. You do not want to turn into a nerd, do you?
Cosmic Symphony of Vehement Copulation With Knowledge. Crescendo.
And here's the moment of truth. The first strokes on the keyboard and the work of genius is about to be born! But something is still wrong... Something hinders smooth writing and your wonderful ideas bounce like mercury balls from the broken thermometer. Wait, don't get mad, it's always like this with essay writing: it's more about re-processing others' ideas than generating your own. "So why bother?" - you might ask. "That's why!" - I'll respond. Perceiving, analyzing and paraphrasing is a much more burdensome process than the mere ideomotoric fixation in MS Word.
But... That's all too complex and we don't need those nerdish ways, remember? So here are few recommendations on how to achieve much with a bit of perfectly legal trickery. First, the major hitch in all of this is that profs NEVER scrutinize every word while grading loads of waste papers they get from hundreds of students every day! Hereby the rule number one:
1. Pay more attention to HOW you write (or copy, which is closer to the truth) rather than WHAT you write. Two of my groupmates once turned in almost identical papers titled "Capitalism Genesis in Mexico". Now guess what marks they got. Therefore rule number two:
2. Make changes and save formatting. While all papers must be written in one single format, you are still encouraged to change paragraphs, their bright stylistic features and especially word constructions that are cumbersome to understand. Not only will you avoid allegations in plagiarism this way, but you'll also be able to defend yourself from possible prof's questions on the matter. Especially if he/she is somewhat biased to you.
3. Be extremely careful with downloading your papers from the Web. At least read them and make some revisions before turning in. Also never use the papers "older" than two years: the prof is quite likely to have encountered them in the past. This doesn't deal with some classic topics in art or literature, though. Hardly one would say something new on Hamlet's question as it has carved itself deeply on campuses' benches long ago.
4. Pay closer attention to the word count. Essay assignments sometimes do not specify the word number. So don't you think the more is the better and swallow your verbosity! Essays are like a woman's skirt: not too short to cover up the shame and not too long to keep you interested.
5. Never neglect proofreading and spell checking. It's even better if you have the trustworthy person to do this.
6. Never hurry with turning in your paper. No need to remind that works handed in several days before the deadline, are scrutinized more than those turned in last hours.
7. Be cool and reasonable no matter what may happen.
Cosmic Symphony of Vehement Copulation With Knowledge. Le Grand Finale.
Well, you're a real hero if you successfully got this far! The accursed work is way behind and you boast to everyone with your "A". Don't think you need any further recommendations on how to enjoy yourself!
Just don't forget to drink my good health and bookmark this page if the tips above have been fun and helpful to you. Or you may just screw the writer with his stupid ideas and get some life instead! You're the boss, applesauce. Cheers!
The author of this article is Thomas Scottino, freelance journalist and a former TA.